this evening

This evening I received a call from my good friend telling me something that had upset her in the previous weeks about something I said to her boyfriend.

I felt so bad that I looked, during the conversation, for the first moment possible to jump in and interrupt to apologize. And so I did and we cleared things out.

Yet after a few moments I began to feel awkward and uncomfortable with what had happened. Nothing new, this is a sensation I get when I am in discomfort with something I’ve done or that transgresses my values in some way. I am not talking about the apology, I was absolutely fine with that and glad that my friend and I are still friends and got to clear things out and this incident did not reach out any deeper.

What was itching in my heart was the same feeling I got at age 16 when my mother caught me lying to her and there was no way out but more lies. I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable. But not because there wasn’t a way out as I thought. I felt bad because I wasn’t being true to my very own self.

The day I discovered this It was 2004 and it happened in very different circumstances that are not pertinent at the moment and I will not share with you right now. But it was much later in my life.

I am, opposed to what many others might think of me, a very caring, devoted guy. With much much love for the people that surround my inner circle in life: my friends and family. I could not ask God for more for how fortunate and happy my life has been and for the uncountable, richening, smart, loving human beings that I have met in my lifetime and hope, and I work every day on this, to preserve and return, in the ways that my heart only allows, a little bit of that love to them.

The conflict within these lines lies upon the fact that I felt driven to react, once again, by the expectations of others. And leave my values aside. I have no clue why human beings do this. But whoever needs acceptance of  others to determine his behavior is not being honest to himself and will suffer from frustration and self disappointment.

I love my friends and I am always thrilled to make new ones. But I am not interested in what they are going to judge me for. It has taken me a long way and much effort to learn to disappoint others in order to be true to myself. And I am not taking a single step back in that path.

I am interested in you, my friend, my counselor, my partner. Not in your job, your money or your house. I am here to laugh with you. Share a glass, a meal, a song, a while. It does not matter what you do in life or how wrong you can be. How much you make or how you make it. I am always going to be there for you because I am your friend. I am not afraid of crying with you or comforting you when you need me to. I won’t hesitate in being you accomplice if you break the laws, if you miss, if you are wrong.

I might one day, have the courage to disagree with you, and, if you want, we can cheer about it, lie to each other, destroy ourselves, but we will never hurt each other. Because we are friends, and that my friends, is something you should always remember. No matter what anyone, including myself says.

By now in your life you are old enough and have known me long enough to know this and think of me as someone who would never, under any circumstances, try to intentionally hurt you. I am not that kind of person. And I think deep inside nobody is.

I am done, I am not going to go around in life telling people what to do or what not to. I will never get in the way of your free will. I could not have the guts to stand in your way because I love you. And if someone, and I am including myself one more time, tells you different, or tries to take that love away from you, that someone is wrong, drunk, excited or upset. I will try to sit by him, tell him what I see and how I feel and try to understand him or her. Not the other way around. I will give my life for the right you have to disagree with me and be wrong.

Someone who tells you who you have to be or how you ought to behave because you agreed on a rule or a law or a contract, that  person is betraying you and will do it again. If I will be expected to fulfill the needs from the people who care about me, I will let them down, I will let them be mistaken. But my words will be these same ones.

Once again I love you, and that is never going to change. I am interested in you. In the feel, in the guts, in the heart. In what you have to give to the world. Interested in you, the person, interested in what you long for….